DEALING WITH PARTNER’S RAGES

People who are borderline or narcissistic tend to become enraged when provoked, and are easily provoked.  Those who are conventional borderlines often take this out on themselves.  uBPD refers to unconventional borderlines, a term invented by Randi Kreger, author of Stop Walking on Eggshells and other useful books. 

Randi runs an online group for people dealing with partners or family members with these conditions.  MovingForward@groups.io   I wrote the following piece for this group.

1) Prevent the rages whenever possible.

uBPDs are supersensitive and easily triggered.  It helps to notice the triggers and avoid them.  

• Sometimes there are patterns - eg the person might be tired and more easily triggered in the evening, or obviously when drinking, etc.  It might be good to minimize contacts at those times.

• It helps to tune in to the uBPD's rhythms.  Slow down when he's irritable, listen when she needs to talk on and on, etc.
• Time difficult subjects- eg money- for when the uBPD is receptive.

2) Notice the onset of an episode and try to abort it.  Here are some suggestions-

• Say something soothing- "it's ok",  "take it easy".  If the uBPD is remorseful after a rage, you can ask what would soothe next time.
• leave the room briefly to go to the bathroom, get some water "I'll just be a minute- do you want anything?"
• Change the subject to something grounding- if possible- "What shall we do about dinner?",  "We're out of bananas- I'll get some."
• Express concern-  "You seem upset", "I know you've had a hard day"
• Stand up, or sit up straighter, or stretch- use body language to show you are present and won't be intimidated.
• Apologize, if you've done something to trigger the episode.

3) If none of this works, protect yourself.

• Leave, if practical.
• Sit up straight, put your feet on the floor, breathe slowly and deeply, be aware of your body and state of arousal, keep calm.
• Cover your solar plexus with your hand or arm.  This is relaxing, and blocks the bad vibes.
• Use a mantra, if you have one, to block the hateful messages, or repeat to yourself- "It's not about me, it's about him/her".
• If you pray, pray for the uBPD to feel loved and be healed.

I'd like to hear other people's thoughts.